Drowning in a Cesspool of Lies This is the place, where I unwind, unleash…. Reveal the deepest thoughts, feelings, emotions --- emote, enact the randomness of this insignificant life from behind the mask. The mask isn’t effective enough, as sometimes, I write an entry and decide that it’s too raw to be put forth, to be shared. As saady said…some things are too weird, too personal to be written down, shared. Om once stopped me from sharing an eve teasing encounter of mine. I am glad that he did. I am still perfecting the art of hiding things from my parents (as if my mother can’t read the pain, fear and desperation, the dullness that my very soul, every pore of my body exudes – her face reflects the same, yet she dares not ask). Sometimes, there are things; one has to hide from oneself – lest the significant other reads your thoughts, one that would fuel his insecurities and rage. You want to escape from the pain, the futility of reflecting upon a thing that’s beyond one’s control. I even I am touched with everyone who responded to my last post. Thank you for the prayers…..for the good wishes…. Yet my need is such that it isn’t going away. Resisting since one week, today I succumbed to the power of sedatives, and yet sleep and peace still seem miles away...my mind and body are still numb…The last week has been pretty intense emotionally. My in laws and fiancé have dragged me thru hell and they are still doing that. Society has given them that power. I would have accepted this behavior, had they been hailing from a village. Never in my life have I felt this much humiliated by anyone - my in laws' demands. They claim to believe in god, but they have even reduced istakhara to a sick and cruel joke. They have blackmailed me, and I have gotten blackmailed, just bcz I know that my parents cannot handle any more stress now. They want to be happy, although they don’t know that this happiness is short lived. Screw the hisbah bill, the kind of blackmailing and emotional tortures that go around in the lives of middle class women, who is chronicling those??? Life has come to full circle, I am standing where I was standing 4 years back, in a ditch, maybe this time it’s even deeper. Were those people worst, or are these? Only god is my protector now…..i have just performed the ubulation and now I am going to recite surrah yaseen, and then would try to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Update: have told my parents on saturday as to what is going on, they agree that this cannot go on and is a sorry shape of things to come. Nevertheless, things are to be settled. How? I dunnow. Shock and disbelief is there, bcz the change in attitude became apparent within a span of 24 hours after engagment. The idea that is often being given is: "if soemthing came so smoothly in our hands, then there has to be something wrong with the thing. That's why it was left around that long." And the outrage is that the "thing" is "me". I dunnow anymore to how to go on. I know taht i would. But i dont know how to carry my parents thru this, yet again! i just dont know!